I have self-harm scars. A lot. It all started when I was 14, at first it was a coping-mechanism to deal with a traumatic experience I had when I was 13. It began with just trying it out, slightly hurting myself was enough back then. But it developed into an addiction, not just to cope with inner pain, but to cope with the craving to cut myself.
Right now I’m doing a lot better. It’s been two months since I’ve last hurt myself, and although I’ve had “breaks” like that before, it feels different this time. I really don’t want to do it anymore, and I also have professional help for it. But everytime I wake up and look down, I get reminded of my struggles. I wish I could just look at myself and feel beautiful without having to think back at bad memories or all of the times I had the mental fight with myself on whether I should cut or not.
I always wanted to tattoo over my scars when I recovered. But it’s so many! My left arm is basically covered from shoulder to wrist, and my right upperarm is scarred as well. Also my hips and parts of my upper thighs are covered. It certainly is too much for me to be able to afford, since I’m just a student.
You can tattoo over scar tissue after it’s healed, which most tattoo artist say takes about 2 years. That means I still have to wait a while before I can cover up my arms, but I can start with my hips. I would like to get a semi-symetric black & grey hip piece.
I’m not getting these tattoo’s for other people. I’m not ashamed of my scars, and although I do feel a certain fear of offending people when I show my bare arms, I want to cover them for myself. It would allow me to close a certain chapter of my life, and I would be able to look at my body with joy, being able to celebrate my beauty instead of being pulled back into all these negative feelings.
So I started a GoFundMe page, you can click here if you’d like to donate to it. My biggest fear on starting this fundraiser is that people would find me selfish or greedy for doing this. I’m in no way saying you have to donate and the smallest amounts would mean the world to me. I don’t expect much, it would just be an amazing addition to what I’m already saving up myself, and it would mean that I can be able to live on much sooner.